My opinions have wavered all over the place when it comes to Robert Pattinson being cast as the Batman. Is that a thing these days? To put “The” in front of something to distinguish it from previous portrayals of a character. I’ve now seen “Suicide Squad” and “The Suicide Squad” and I have no idea which is the one I actually liked. For those who want to watch a Suicide Squad, whichever one has King Shark in is the better one. Maybe there are people out there who are watching the 1960s Batman expecting to see Robert Pattinson, only to realise that they have downloaded “Batman” and not “The Batman.”

Robert Pattinson as The Batman was a difficult sell for many. The one thing I will say is that he’s bulked up for the role and as the Bat he looks the part. There are certain close ups where he looks just like the Bat from the Arkham games. And it’s a good job too because Bruce Wayne is AWOL for ninety percent of the film. Maybe that’s a blessing because when Pattinson is Bruce Wayne he comes across as “Miserable Teen Bat.” I was waiting for the scene where Andy Serkis’s Alfred is banging on Bruce’s bedroom door yelling: ”You can’t stay in there all day sulking in the dark listening to Nirvana.” And, as much as I love Nirvana, I’m not sure the soundtrack to any film should be one song played over and over. I thought they’d actually over used Kate Bush’s Running up that Hill in Stranger Things but that’s nothing when compared to The Batman’s use of Nirvana’s Something in the Way.

Messing with comic book canon is fine. It’s your take on the source material. If you want to turn the Riddler into some sort of raving gimp then hey, it’s your film, who am I to tell you what your take should be. Putting aside for one moment that the Riddler disappears midway through the film, as other plot turns are followed, and allowing for artistic interpretation and accepting Gimp Riddler, the biggest issue I have with the film’s villain is that they are about as two dimensional as you could get. There isn’t a character in the film that isn’t two dimensional, but the main villain is absent for long stretches and when he is on screen it’s in video clips of him ranting about liars and cheats. That’s all he’s got.

The first hour of the film sets up the idea of Batman as a scary force lurking in the shadows, interspersed with him hanging around with the police at crime scenes, whilst the police moan on about how vigilantes are bad. I felt we needed a scene where Batman hangs out With Gotham City Police at a water cooler, discussing police procedures, after which we cut back to more lurking in the shadows.

In short, the film is all plot and no character and at the one hour fifteen mark in the film I realised I was watching an exciting car chase and just didn’t care. I have always hated that cliché of actors asking, “What’s my motivation here?” But in this case, I think the writers should be asking – “What have I given my characters here that makes me care about any of them? What’s the viewers motivation to keep watching.” There’s Action and there’s plot, but neither are strong enough to carry the film. It’s a great example of how characters need to be established for us to care about them and subsequently what they do, how the live and how they die.

I’m writing this the day after watching the film and I can’t even remember what the big reveal about the plot was. The Riddler had it in for Thomas Wayne because he failed to make a payment to his Orphanage? Was that it? They lost me forever at the point where it turns out that Thomas Wayne had a moment of weakness and went to get help from the mob, when he was being blackmailed over his wife’s mental health. We’ve all been there, right? “Do as I say or I’ll tell the world your wife has mental health issues!” I’d have thought that philanthropist and all round good guy Thomas Wayne would say – “Whatever. I’ll go to the press with it first.” Surely that seems easier than getting tied up with the mob and then being shocked when the mob kills your blackmailer. No! They turned Batman’s Dad into a total idiot.

I’ve never come across a case where a film has failed to engage to the point that by the time you get to an action scene you just don’t care.  This is what happens when you don’t give your characters any life or memorable dialogue. Mumbling your way through a film does not give you character. Robert Pattinson looked real good in the bat suit. All he needed was some dialogue, a worthy adversary, a plot to care about, any chemistry with any other character, a lot more chemistry with his Catwoman and a better car. As for his Bruce Wayne? There needs to actually be a Bruce Wayne in a Batman film and if there is one, he shouldn’t look like an emo Robert Pattinson.   

For the record: I have loved Robert Pattinson in many roles but just not this one.