Why you shouldn't trust me
I once wrote a job application to work at the Warners cinema in Basingstoke and in the application, I listed my worst traits. I think maybe there was a question that said, “Tell us your best qualities. I can’t remember if I listed the positives, but I definitely wrote something to the effect of, “But here’s a list of my worst qualities.” I don’t even think they were really my worst qualities. If they were, then they were put across in a way that tried to make me seem like a fun person to employ. I not only got a rejection, I got a letter telling me that they thought my application was a joke. I don’t mean that as a criticism. I mean that they thought that I wasn’t actually seriously applying but had taken my time to write some sort of prank job application. They continued on, saying that if this was a real application then listing my ten worst attributes is not something you should write about in any serious job application. They finished up by informing me that they are a very serious company, and they expect their applicants and employees to be equally serious in their approach to work. I should have put in there that one of my biggest flaws is that I’m rubbish at writing job applications. Apparently, that was the case.
As a young man, that really stung. I felt I’d had to put some character into my application and it backfired horribly. I felt a whole lot better about my life and how the world of employment works, when a few years later, as a student, I got a job interview in the Trocadero in central London, working on a 3D motion ride. It was a group interview where you worked in teams on a project for an hour. I have no idea how they selected who they gave the job to. What I do know is that I went to lunch with a girl called Tamar, who was in my group, and over cheapo Deep Pan Pizza Co pizza she told me that in her application she had put some daft things, of which the only one I remember is the one where the question is, “What do you try to avoid in any jobs?” And her answer was, “Objects falling on my head from a great height.” Guess what? She got the job. Sadly, I never saw her again. The story lives on as a reminder that job applications can be a lottery.
The story comes to mind because I’ve just seen an article online where the author of said article alerts us to, “why you should trust me.” Is this a new internet thing going on? Is this the next step up from the bio that explains how you’ve been writing for different websites for so many years and therefore your reviews of the best vacuum cleaner to buy should be taken as gospel? Generally, when you hear anyone say, “you can trust me,” it stops you dead in your tracks. You stop and think, “Well, I had no doubt that I can trust you. But now you mention it, are there any reasons I shouldn’t trust you? Why, before you’ve said anything, or even after you’ve said anything, should I have any reason to doubt you? Do you have a car parked outside that has a sign on it saying that this car is really fast?”
Most of the time you can tell if a car looks like a fast car. But you will only ever know when you see it go. For writing purposes, don’t tell us how good your ideas are, show us. You have to earn that trust. Also, I don’t believe there is anything you could write about yourself that will convince me that I’m going to think your ideas are great before I’ve even read them. You could say that you’ve been an expert on WWE Wrestling for twenty years and you know beyond all doubt that in his prime the 1-2-3 Kid could take down The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin in a two on one match up. Even if that was true, let’s not confuse “knowing” with writing. And often it’s hard to write about the things you instinctively know. You need to start thinking about how others don’t understand what you do. You often need to explain it to yourself before you can explain it to anyone else. And that’s with regards to something you know you know.
I’m not sure showing you my certificate for MA Creative Writing from Brunel tells you anything. It wouldn’t make any of my articles more or less readable. It’s not a certificate of expertise. It’s a thought on a thought on a thought, wrapped up in the right words, the ones that sound good when you string them together, that gives me an article. I’d like to think that comes through in all I write.
Here lies the difference between having ideas and writing. This is where I bang on about, “Thinking in writing.” I was sure to say, “don’t tell us how good your ideas are” because I do believe that a lot of what you find online is ideas or information. That is not the same as writing.
“Reasons to read me” would sit better than “reasons to trust me.” I’d prefer not stating reasons for anything, but trust in itself usually has to be earned. If I was forced at gunpoint to write anything about “reasons to trust me” I’d have to go with, “You probably shouldn't. Read it anyway.” That’s me backing my writing. If I was having fun with it I’d go with, “Reasons to trust me? You probably shouldn't. I'm 5 foot 7 inches tall, but I've spent years claiming to be 5'8" so I can say I'm the same height as my sporting hero Barry Sanders. Once you know that you’re really going to struggle with my work.
The whole promoting yourself part of “producing content” is not the same thing as writing. But it is a sad reality of it. My idea of promoting work is shouting over the fence to the neighbour, “Hey did you read my article on Cola by Lana Del Rey yet? There’s a lot more to it than cunnilingus!” Maybe one day I will get into the idea of self-promotion, but I feel sleazy just getting friends to read my work. I’m happy writing. I’ve said this before now, the dream would be to continue writing, never take your foot off the gas, compile a million words on The Wall and then one day find out that a million people have been reading. That’s taking the “write like no one is reading” mentality as far as you can. The answer to “Why trust me?” becomes – because you just did.
Where Next?
If you want to explore the difference between producing information and actually thinking on the page, read Could an AI do this?
If you want to explore why reality is always richer, stranger and more meaningful than the polished versions we present to each other, read Life is not a pop video
If you want to explore why writing isn't simply about communicating ideas but thinking in a language all of its own, read The beauty and power of words Part 3: Writing is its own language
If the writing resonates, stay with it.